First Person
My Own Private Recession
The Board of Directors
To Our Stockholders:
2009 has proven to be a harder year than we, the Board of Directors of Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises, anticipated. The financial model governing the economy of the United States for the last 233 years – that goods and services can be purchased using money and that money can be earned through employment – has proven more resilient than the Board previously speculated. Though our “Kindness of Strangers” Plan did experience some early successes, mainly in the Liquor and Tobacco sectors, overall it has proven financially untenable in a 21st-century global economy. After long deliberation, the Board of Directors has decided to forgo its business model for 2010 - “Charm for Food; Sing for Mortgage Payments” – and liquidate all assets of Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises on December 31, 2009. On that date Josh Rosenblatt will be dissolved, his assets [one (1) jar peanut butter, one (1) jar jelly, one (1) bag chips, one (1) pair jeans, one (1) mattress (firm), one (1) pillow (soft), four (4) bottles contact solution (open), one (1) bar soap (Irish Spring)] sold and his body donated to Science. Though Science has entered several Cease and Desist motions in Austin Municipal Courts against Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises claiming it is not interested in the body of Josh Rosenblatt, the Board of Directors has initiated a plan, approved by the Securities Exchange Commission, to leave the body at Science’s backdoor, ring Science’s doorbell, and run.
Our stated business strategy for fiscal year 2009 (as defined in our 2008 report “Writing for Free”) proved to be the biggest impediment to the continued success of Josh Rosenblatt. The year started off badly, with the dissolution of the company’s contract with weekly newspaper The A____ C_____. Despite market speculation that no Corporation, regardless of size, could possibly survive off the revenue from such a contract, Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises thrived for three years, increasing corporate assets (white T-shirts, box fans, yellow legal notepads, etc.) while lowering expenditures (through our successful “Three Meal Cereal” Program) and cultivating emerging markets, including a relationship with bi-weekly liberal magazine The T___ O___, the annual revenue from which paid for nearly six months of toothpaste.
But attempts at expanding profitability through the cultivation of new income sources proved difficult. Initial market optimism after the dissolution of contracts with weekly newspaper The A___ C____ waned following repeated rejections by several noted media outlets – including S___.com, S___.com, and The N__ Yorker – of Company overtures to create original written content in return for monetary compensation or acknowledgment of a job well done. Despite Board hopes, the combination of discouraging U.S. macro-economic indicators, the growth of the global recession, the collapse of the subprime mortgage market, the decrease in market interest in written media, and the insistence by Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises to conclude each story submitted to above-stated publications with the phrase “Deal With That” served to decrease, rather than increase, market interest and decelerate key operating metrics, revenue streams, growth operating margins synergy expanding profitability cash flow aggregate cost-effectiveness. Market-wise.
Obviously everyone here at Josh Rosenblatt Enterprises is disheartened by this turn of events. We assure you that every possible alternative to dissolution was explored, from corporate sponsorship and product placement backward integration models to market extension merger strategies and private dancing. The conclusion we came to is that initial projections were simply incorrect and there is actually no interest in Josh Rosenblatt.
The enclosed check for $2.37 represents the return on your original $35,000 investment, plus a stockholder dividend, plus the last $2.37 in our bank account.
Please don’t call us with queries. We have no phone.
Comments
2 Comments
I knew I should have invested in T-Bills
How may I stake my claim to purchase for the 1 (soft) pillow and the 1 pair of jeans (which will make a nice pair of short shorts, once cut, for my new stripping job I will be forced to take around the same date of your sales, if not sooner)?
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