First Person
Kanin Wonders If the Screenwriter Would Care to Script His Life
Having firmly established myself as a carpetbagging neo-southerner, have begun solidifying my claims. These include one (1) mid-century modernish house and homestead on the small-but-just-right acreage typically afforded by (to?) my peers. Thanks to the generous and upgrading former occupiers of said space, can now brag about chainsaw ownership. This is even more exciting than I’d hoped. Have begun lobbying for shotgun and gun rack with little success. Maybe when the rocking chairs come.
Have yet to receive government support for said home purchase. Secure in the fact that this will eventually come, have commenced with the stimulating. Have purchased one (1) roof vent, one (1) french drain, two (2) cans of paint, painting supplies, one (1) replacement vegetable sprayer hose, and one (1) pair of shiny mahogany-colored cowboy boots. Have listed the last under future professional expenses and feel doubly patriotic for my foresight and participation in the affairs of the Internal Revenue Service.
Have begun craving episodes of the Sorkin-penned half of The West Wing television series. Convinced that these make me smarter, better able to write, and also more beautiful. Wondering if Sorkin hires himself out to write private lives. Hoping that he does and will work for peanuts (or baby powder/baking soda disguised as cocaine). Either way, confident in fact that things would be better (or at least more witty) if only Sorkin could write my life. Wishing that I had audience that might appreciate the wit in the last statement.
Wondering if Hollywood is really all that hard. Have decided to write screenplay. Will populate feature-length effort with dark, brilliant, funny, Sorkin-ish characters full of wit and humility. Will make twenty-something policy wonks cry at my genius. Will gain coveted place in the hearts of said wonks. Will fail miserably in Hollywood and find that this is the key to greater success. Will write autobiography and watch as it’s turned into the feature I’d been trying to write all along. Will revel in own brilliance.
Have promised to not engage in too many like public tangents. Have decided that Hollywood is for starlets and characters from hair metal videos. Have decided to turn thoughts inward; maybe attend some neighborhood meetings. Have decided that neighborhood meetings are the key to launching a Sorkin-worthy political …
Nevermind. Have come back to earth. Wondering how long it will last.
Will head to San Fransisco in the morning for partner’s brother’s wedding. Will wear new cowboy boots, brag of stimulating patriotism. May continue to do part for economic recovery. Check that: Will continue to do part for economic recovery. Looking forward to doing part for economic recovery. Wondering how contribution to economy will fit on airplane. Thinking of bringing special bag to hold contribution to economy. Wondering if American Airlines will wave charges associated with bringing my contribution to the economy home.
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