First Person
Lexington Rosenblatt (walking the horse)
[Ed. Note: The author of this section, Josh Rosenblatt, has requested the week off to "decompress" and come up with new ways to talk about himself. In his absence we've decided to inaugurate a new feature on the Web site, UNFIT for the Vault From the Vault, in honor of the 150th anniversary of Unfit Times, which was first published as a satirical one-sheet mocking newly arrived German and Italian immigrants back in Sept. 1859. Today's edition: a "First Person" from 1862 that comes in the form of a letter Josh's great-great-great-great uncle Lexington, then a soldier in the service of Union general George B. McClellan, wrote to Melissa Lubitsch from his post in Manassas, Virginia, on the eve of the little-publicized Fifth Battle of Bull Run.]
UNFIT for a Hero’s Death
Nov. 29, 1862
My Dearest Melissa,
I believe I am Indebted to you by Way of Letter, so I take my pen in Hand to Write Once again, You having been so kind to me upon that Score, to send me Your fine Words & your Gifts of Chocolates & Locks of your flaxen Hair & Likenesses of yourself Without any Clothing on. Sometimes, in my darkest Hours, When I despair that the Brutality of this War will be too much for my Soul, I rent these Pictures of You to Others in the camp for Fifteen minutes and Earn Myself a few Pennies with which I can then buy a small Bottle of Whiskey and a Sheet of origami Paper. Then I feel better for a Time, convinced Again that I shall not fill a Coward’s Grave if I die amid this bloody Donnybrook.
The Boys here are all Brave. They charge the Rebel Artillery like they have the Lord Almighty at their back, prodding Them on, which I sincerely Believe They do. I have found the Best Thing to do on these Occasions is to take Cover behind a Tree or some old abandoned wheelbarrow or inside a Farmhouse, as they provide the best Protection from Rebel Bullets and Shells and Bayonets, and then when the Fighting has ceased I appear from behind that Tree or Wheelbarrow and tussle up my Hair and tear a Hole in my Shirt and act as If I just Killed Three Confederates with my bare Hands. As yet, no One has Expressed Skepticism.
It has been very cold and disagreeable here. Yesterday Three Cooks died from exposure while ladling Porridge. Add these to the 163 Men we lost in the Fighting Last Week, and this has been a Month of Great Hardship and Sadness for all of Us. Not safe from The Calamities of war myself, Yesterday I found a Hole in my spare pair of socks the size of a Nickel and was Unable to find a Regimental Quartermaster to replace them for nearly 30 Minutes. The merest Thought of how cold my Feet Might have Been had my first pair of Socks given way during That Half an Hour filled my Heart with longing for the Warmth and security of our Home and the Gentle camaraderie of our sons and for You, my gentle Melissa, who knows so very much about Darning my Socks.
Oh darling Melissa, if You should hear Tomorrow that I fell in battle do not think Me gone. My Spirit shall forever be with You, for my Love for You is deathless. It binds Me to You, and no War, not even one one as horrible as this, could Ever Break those Bonds. And know that, no matter what Happens Tomorrow, it is Your Face that will be Forever in my Mind’s eye, your voice that shall evermore Sing me to Rest, and the memory of your Sweetest Touch that will always be the source of my Comfort, through both the Strife of this World and the peace of the Next.
Melissa, do not mourn me dead. Just tell your friends I am and then Meet Me behind your mother’s House next Tuesday Morning, where I shall wait for you, with a fake Mustache and Beard upon my Face and Dressed in the Clothing of an elderly Blacksmith, the easier for me to slip out of this Place unnoticed. Make sure to Grab Some money from the Pocket of your Father’s trousers. Then You and I can start our New Life together. In Mexico, perhaps. Or somewhere Else Where the Army will never find Us.
Perhaps I can even take up the Guitar, As I’ve always said I wanted to Do.
With undying affection,
Lexington
p.s. Please send more of Those Pictures when you have the Chance.
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