Photo by sumrow via Flickr

As the debate over U.S. health care reform degenerated into a battle over partisan positioning, Democrats found themselves struggling to inject some kind of legacy into their foundered effort. This meant that — sans Public Option, post-abortion compromise — Senators Harry Reid, Max Baucus, Tom Harkin, and the rest of their aristocratic and anachronistic cronies were, for their respective pre-victory self-congratulations and predictions of economic armeggedon, forced to turn away from the bill for inspiration. Reid found himself destroying baseball history. Senator Christopher Dodd tried to tack his party’s slackened reform onto FDR’s four freedoms. Their colleagues invoked the bible and George Washington.

Sigh.

We here at Unfit value nothing more than a creative cut-and-paste job. Still, such a desperately wide array of historical snipping seems to betray a certain lack of … focus. So, in advance of what will surely be meant as an epoch-defining moment, we offer President Obama’s speech writers the following wholly-borrowed concise message. After these last few weeks of total bullshit, the least our failed leadership can do is grant us all the simple honesty of uniform plagiarism.

The Gospel According to Franklin Delano Washington, or The Full Senate at the Bat

Good evening sports fans.

This is a day of national consecration. And I am certain that on this day my fellow Americans expect that on my induction into the Presidency the occasion of my signing the policy on which I have so clearly staked my Presidency, I will address them with a candor and a decision which the present situation of our people impels.

[Let me start by saying:] Do not be wise in your own eyes fear the LORD abstract concepts of socialism and shun evil a clear, comprehensive system of health care coverage. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Honor the LORD Aetna with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your crops; Say to him it: ’Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!

The period for a new election of a citizen, to administer the executive government of the United States, being not [too] far distant, and the time actually arrived [in like 18 months], when your thoughts must be employed designating the person, who is to be clothed with that important trust, it appears to me proper, especially as it may conduce to a more distinct expression of the public voice, that I should now apprize you of the resolution I have formed, to decline being considered among the number of those out of whom a choice is to be made sign this hulking abortion of reform, and thus attempt to preserve for myself a chance at the Presidency in 2012.

However combinations or associations of the above description may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely, in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people, and to usurp for themselves the reins of government; destroying afterwards the very engines, which have lifted them to unjust dominion.

[Look duders, like Harkin said, this shit is just a starter health care bill.]

[Besides, this was SO HARD.] I mean, I was like: Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel [of health care reform] shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, the idea that it’s okay to be flexible, if you need to preserve your career, be told for a memorial of her to democracy. [But] [t]hen one of the twelve Senators, called Judas Iscariot Joseph Lieberman, went unto the chief priests Aetna, And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him untoward profits unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of silver.

[So we had a choice. And we decided to call] together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

The Outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine Muddied bill that day:
The score stood four to two Fifty-nine to Forty-one, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Cooney Kennedy died at first, and Barrows Byrd [nearly] did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Casey the full senate could get but a whack at that -
We’d put up even money, now, with Casey the full Senate at the bat.

But Flynn Lieberman preceded Casey the full Senate, as did also Jimmy Blake Ben Nelson,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was a cake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey’s the full Senate’s getting to the bat.

[So we compromised. For now. Look, like Harkin said, this shit is just a starter health care bill.]

[L]et me [now] assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life, a leadership of frankness and of vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory. [And for that, you might have to wait like six years. Like Harkin said, this shit is just a starter health care bill.]

Hugo Get 'Em: Chavez Stands to be the Big Winner in the Honduran Coup

This past Sunday, Hugo Chavez‘ weekly television broadcast featured a delightful condemnation of a coup that had unfolded against his ally, the now-former (or still current, depending on one’s perspective) President of Honduras, Manuel Zelaya. “There are some old troglodytes behind the troops, using them,” he said (according to one blogger, whose translation came from a post on Venezuelan National Radio’s web site). “You don’t see a single general in the streets. They’re in the barracks, well-protected….Now these soldiers are going to find out what a people is [sic]…the people have started coming out on to the streets. They (the coup leaders) made their move in the early hours of the morning, in a cowardly manner.”

Okay. So it’s pretty hard to put aside the revolutionary bluster. Not only is the stuff reminiscent of the best in really-it’s-cool denialism, but it’s totally fun for outsiders to bask in the glory of the words of a perturbed rhetorical master: “You know, they call us coupmongers for the military action of February 4th, which was a patriotic military action against the bourgeois.”

And so on.

Thing is that, as amusing as Chavez can be when he engages in his wonderful red-top-heaviness, he can, from time to time, bury some real gems in his bullshit. And this weekend he dropped what will certainly rank among the finer examples of his genius. “The Yankee Empire has a lot to do with this,” he told his audience, reminding them of what is widely perceived south of the Rio Grande as at least five decades’ worth of bad North American policy. “I will call the U.S. President so that he speaks on this issue in the same way as we do from the depths of our soul.”

Will Chavez call Obama? Probably. Will he demand a a strong U.S. response to the recent events in Honduras? Maybe. Will Obama issue some kind of statement condemning what’s unfolded there? He already has. But even if his reaction didn’t come thanks to pressure from a Socialist leader whose very handshake seems anathema to a big chunk of the U.S. voting population, still Chavez has here created the illusion that the U.S. President reacted to his demands — positively, no less. For even casual observers of the past five decades’ worth of inter-American politics, this is something more than a little bit remarkable; who did what thanks to who now?

And it gets better. Sunday morning, Reuters was reporting that Zelaya “told Spain’s El Pais that a planned attempt to wrest power [from] him was thwarted after the United States declined to back the move.” The quote? “Everything was in place for the coup and if the U.S. embassy had approved it, it would have happened. But they did not … I’m only still here in office thanks to the United States….” If true, this statement would represent a major policy decision on the part of the Obama White House: Faced with the opportunity to counteract a left-leaning Latin American leader, the United States seems to have said no thank you — a fact which would seem to signal reluctance on the part of the administration to get directly involved in Latin American politics.

If Obama did (and does) indeed keep his nose out of South America, and the Honduran coup is indeed — as Chavez and at least one english-language source claim (grain of salt here, sports fans; after all, Zelaya did engage in his very own Chavezian attempt to achieve less-limited power) — a move by the right to put a dent in the steadily growing Latin American leftist movement, then its leaders could be alone. Very alone. And their failure — which would presumably be brought about by resistance from the leftist populists that they threw out (though the Honduran Congress quickly appointed a new president, and elections there are still scheduled for November 29, it remains to be seen if the military will remain cooperative) — would lead by way of popular rejection to a crowning endorsement of the region’s political track.

And its most vital symbol. No wonder Chavez is so excited.

Update: As of Monday morning, the Honduran Coup leaders seem to be operating without much in the way of international assistance or recognition. We’ll see what happens next…

We are in the middle of what looks to be one of the most impressive democratization efforts in history.

Page by electronic page, the act of disseminating public information is being ripped from the hands of professionals by unwashed basement dwellers whose qualifications seem to include little more than passion and free time. And, before we go any further, we’d like to say that there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing. Really: Nothing.

Still, the whole situation leaves us with a growing feeling of emptiness: As the ranks of self-proclaimed writers continue to swell, and so many formerly brilliant print media outlets keep struggling with this new information paradigm, the resulting landscape has proven itself to be a barren one — at least for those of us who were trained to write long and write well. And as freelancers everywhere face reality and apply for those veggie burger-flipping jobs we always feared were waiting for us, the editorial staff here at Unfit wonders whether something can’t be done about this impending colossal waste of talent.

So we’d like to ask you to swallow hard, run down the street, and tell your would-be manager that you’ve given it some thought and that you think you’ll try writing for just a bit longer. That 15,000-word defense of Tattoo You? Break it out. Clean it up. Send it to us. We’ll run it — along with just about anything else you can think up — so long as it’s well-constructed, thoughtful, and … well, brilliant. We think there’s space for good writing on the Internet, and we’re out to prove it.

But we need your help.

The good news? We’re probably the only publication around whose freelance budget has room for growth. The bad news? At the moment, we can’t pay you. But we’re working on that. In the meantime, you can take solace in the fact that we here at Unfit know where you’re coming from — Mike Kanin used to edit for the Washington City Paper, Josh Rosenblatt used to write for The Austin Chronicle, and now they both depend on the  kindness of strangers and nonprofit lefty political magazine editors to keep them from having to get real jobs – which is to say we know your pain, and we’re going to do our best to alleviate it.

While we’re working on that, you should dust off a few of your orphaned pieces and send them to us; we’ll give them a home. Help us show your editors that there is still a need for great long-form journalism and intelligent criticism, even on the Internet. Help us prove that real writers aren’t going the way of the American autoworker. Help us inject a little iron-fistitude into the blogosphere. We’re willing to bet that, even as you play credit card roulette to get through next month, it’ll beat the crap out of flipping burgers.

Declaration of Principles

I.

We will provide a forum for professional writers whose work too often goes unpublished as a result of the precipitous decline of print journalism.

II.

We will also provide writers the opportunity to engage in thoughtful long-form profiles, critical pieces, and essays free from the stylistic expectations of the Internet, which is  making a joke of our profession with its focus on timely updates, 140-character blurbs, amateur shouting matches, and celebrity-gossip fetishism.

-

III.

At Unfit, writers will be kings.

IV.

Poorly paid kings slaving away in almost total anonymity but kings nonetheless.

Signed,

Unfit

]]> http://www.unfittimes.com/2009/06/23/we-need-unfit-writers/feed/ 0