The Red Sox in happier days

What to expect from the Boston Red Sox this offseason following their first-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Angels (a tribute to my friend and fellow Unfit founding editor, devoted Red Sox fan Mike “Kanin” Kanin, on the occasion of his birthday):

- Looking to reduce the size of their pitching staff but unable to decide between keeping Daisuke Matsuzaka or knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield, Red Sox scouts are sent out to find a slightly overweight middle-aged Japanese man with a goatee who can throw a baseball 47 miles an hour on only six days’ rest.

- Kevin Youkilis is killed during an argument with Jason Varitek over who has the “cooler baseball name.”

- Three members of the Red Sox coaching staff are arrested after exhuming the corpse of Babe Ruth and taking turns beating it with a baseball bat.

- After second baseman Dustin Pedroia’s complaint that the shoddy state of the infield grass at Fenway Park was the reason he missed turning a crucial double-play in game three of the Division Series, the Red Sox fire their grounds crew and replace them with sprinklers.

- After realizing he’s spent nearly 15,000 hours of his life watching Red Sox games, 35-year-old Framingham resident Mark Shipley divorces his wife, Jenny, and renounces custody of their three children, Lucy, Kenneth, and Mark Jr., to devote more time to watching Red Sox games.

- Citing the success of the team’s 2003 “Cowboy Up” campaign, team General Manager Theo Epstein signs comedian Larry the Cable Guy to usher in new “Git-R-Done” era.

- Designated hitter David Ortiz signs five-year contract extension, telling reporters the Red Sox have the “best post-game deli spread in baseball.”

- Pitcher Josh Beckett grows mustache to go with his Fu Manchu beard but decides he doesn’t like it and shaves it off the next day.

- Wanting to spend more time with his kids, Manager Terry Francona announces that he will coach the entire 2010 season from his rec room via text message.

- In February, Roger Clemens stops by the team’s Florida training camp “just to say hi.”